


Seven Men and a Little Lady

by hermione_vader



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies), X-Men (Movies)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Crack, Cross-Generational Friendship, Crossover, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, Kid Darcy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-01
Updated: 2013-02-01
Packaged: 2017-11-27 19:32:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/665641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermione_vader/pseuds/hermione_vader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally written for Avengerkink.  Loki's magic accidentally turns Darcy into a five-year-old.  Now she has to live in a house with all these wacky Avenger people while the doctors and scientists at that S.H.I.E.L.D. place try to change her back.  Tea parties, braiding sessions, and super-duper sneaking ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Original prompt [here.](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/3266.html?thread=964802)
> 
> This was written from December 2011 to May 2012, before _The Avengers_ was released, which is why the Avengers live in a mansion, not Stark Tower, and why Agent Coulson is still alive. Also, Bruce has a small role in this fic because I wasn't sure how to write him given the recasting controversy that was still an issue at the time.

She's sitting on a table with her shoes off.  She likes to look at her stripey socks while a bunch of big men in bright costumes talk about her.  All she knows is that her name is Darcy because they keeping looking at her every time they say it.  
  
A man with short blond hair and a star on his chest bends down to talk to her.  "Darcy, do remember any of what happened?"  
  
She thinks for a few seconds.  "Lots of blue light.  It was really pretty."  
  
"What about before?"  
  
"Before what?"   
  
"The explosion."  
  
Darcy opens her mouth wide.  "Something _exploded_?"  
  
An even bigger man in a red cape picks her up.  "Darcy!  Do you know me?!"  
  
"No.  But I really like your hair."  She grabs a chunk of it---it's long and thick and bright _yellow_ and Darcy doesn't want to let go.  
  
The red robot with a man's head starts talking.  "She doesn't remember anything, Thor.  We're screwed.  In every possible position."  
  
Cape-man gives her a big hug.  "Then we shall care for her until she remembers!  Or the S.H.I.E.L.D. scientists can fix her!"  
  
"What if that doesn't happen?"  
  
"It matters not---she is our friend and I, for one, shall not abandon her!"  Cape-man pats her head.  "What say you, Darcy?"  
  
"Um, I like you, too."  She starts pulling his hair and he laughs.    
  
The robot-man puts his head in his metal hands and groans.  
  
Darcy giggles.  "He's silly!"  
  
Star-man smiles.  "You have no idea."  
  
"This shall be great fun, I think!" Cape-man shouts.  Darcy hugs him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little Darcy gets to know the Avengers.

It turns out that Cape-man is Uncle Thor, Star-man is Uncle Steve, and the robot is Uncle Tony. They take Darcy to their gigantic house full of lots of shiny TVs and computers and things. She's not allowed to touch any of that stuff. But she gets her own bedroom with a big girl bed and white walls (they need colors) and a hard, wooden floor.

"Your room is right across from mine. Always come to me if you need assistance," Uncle Thor tells her.

"Mmmkay." She nods and smiles at him. Then she flops back on the bed--it's the springiest thing ever.

*

Uncle Thor is definitely her favorite. He talks to her the most and he likes to wrestle ("but not too hard" like Uncle Steve tells them) and he makes her hair look pretty.

"Darcy, you must keep your head still," he tells her as he braids part of her hair.

"I wanna, but it's so hard. I like moving around." She sticks her arms out and flaps them.

"Well, if you keep still now, you can run around with beautiful hair later." He tied the end of that braid and started a new, smaller one.

"Oh, alright." She folded her arms and tried extra hard not to move.

Later in the afternoon, she shakes her hair around and the braids gently slap against her neck. "Look at my princess hair, people!"

"It looks nice, Darcy," Uncle Steve tells her. "Who did that for you?"

She holds her head up. "The super-secret hair fairy."

Uncle Thor winks at her.

*

She likes to look through Uncle Steve's book of drawings when he's not looking. There are some of Uncle Tony, Uncle Thor, and the other people who live in the house, but her favorites are of the people in uniform, especially a mustachioed man in a really round hat (his look makes her laugh) and a pretty lady with curly hair (she looks sweet, but kind of sad). The pictures are all in black and white, so Darcy takes out the giant box of crayons they gave her, and she fills them in, starting with the lady: red and purple and pink lips; brown, yellow, and red for different parts of her hair (Darcy couldn't pick); and brown for the eyes because Uncle Steve colored them dark with the pencil; and then apricot for her face. The colors crawl across the page, outside of the actual sketch---Darcy doesn't really like lines.

"Hey, I finished this one," she says, giving the sketchbook back to Uncle Steve.

He looks at the picture and frowns. Darcy thinks he looks a little scared, if grown-ups can get scared. "Darcy, this is not a coloring book."

"But you didn't color them. So I did it for you. The magic word is 'thank you.'" She smiles up at him.

His forehead crinkles and gets all those grown-up, worried lines in it. "No, Darcy. That was wrong. You did this without asking."

She hangs her head and juts her bottom lip out. "It was a surprise. I thought you'd like it."

*

There are three people in the house that she doesn't call Uncle (or Aunt): Natasha, Clint, and Bruce.

She thinks Natasha is the beautifulest woman in the world with her curly red hair. Darcy tries to make her own dark hair red with a Sharpie marker, but doesn't even show up. She also likes to watch Natasha spar with the guys---she can take them out with just her legs. Darcy twists her legs around one of her bedposts, and it hurts. She asks Natasha to teach her some tricks.

"When you're old enough to lift weights," Natasha answers as she does a handstand.

Darcy picks up a ten-pound weight with both hands. "I'm old enough. See?" She drops it, narrowingly missing her own left foot.

Clint is funny. He shows her how he shoots his arrows---he says it's hard, but Darcy thinks it looks easy. He also lets her watch movies like Star Wars.

"Too many monsters! Go back to the robots, please!" She covered her face with her hands.

Clint puts his arm around her. "It's okay, kid. This part's over quickly. And they gotta get past the aliens to meet Han and Chewie. Everybody likes them."

"Okay..." She puts her hands down.

She stays away from Bruce. Uncle Tony told her that if she got near him, she might make the world explode. She doesn't want to be responsible for another explosion.

*

Uncle Tony doesn't really like Darcy.  At least, she's pretty sure he doesn't.  He makes lots of scowl-y faces when she talks to him.  
  
"So, are you really a robot?"  
  
He groans.  "Kid.  I'm not a robot.  This thing in my chest keeps me alive."  
  
"So you're a cyborg.  Clint said that if somebody has a robot part on their body, they're a cyborg."  
  
"Maybe you should stop listening to Clint."  
  
Darcy wrinkles her nose.  "Why?  He's nicer than _you_."  
  
*  
  
Uncle Tony has another house, right next to the ocean, and one day, everybody goes on a plane to visit him.  It's really a trip for the grown-ups, but they take her anyway because Thor told them that they "very well couldn't leave her."  
  
So while Uncle Tony tells all the grownups about some fancy new robot-thing he made, she sits with an invisible babysitter named J.A.R.V.I.S.  
  
"Jarvis, are you friends with Uncle Tony or do you work for him?" she asks, munching on a cookie.  
  
"Well, as he is my creator, I suppose it's a little of both," J.A.R.V.I.S. answers coolly.  Darcy likes his smooth voice.  
  
"Do you live here?"  
  
"This is the only place I can exist, Miss Darcy."  
  
When she gets tired of asking J.A.R.V.I.S. questions, she sneaks down to see Uncle Tony's billion gazillion cars.  She runs down the rows with a the different shapes---she likes the smooth ones way more than the squareish or sharp ones.   
  
J.A.R.V.I.S.'s voice follows her.  "Miss Darcy, you do not have clearance."  
  
"So?"  She climbs up into a sleek, silver car and pulls out her Ziploc bags of grapes and pretzels.  "Hey, can you tell stories or something?"  
  
"I believe my systems may be able to find some suited to your demographic.  But I must warn you: if you dirty the interior, my alarms will go off."   
  
She pops a grape into her mouth.  "Okay."  
  
A big, see-through screen appears with a picture of a boy in a dough airplane on it.  "Our first selection is _In the Night Kitchen_ , by Maurice Sendak..."  
  
It's a good story---Darcy giggles every time the little boy, Mickey, ends up naked.  It's so silly.

J.A.R.V.I.S. reads her four stories before she asks another question.  
  
"Jarvis, where are you?"  
  
"I am here, with you, Miss Darcy."  
  
She looks around from wall to wall, up at the ceiling, over the edge of the car door to the floor.  "So why can't I see you?"  
  
"Because I have no body.  I am everywhere at once."  
  
She chews on a couple of pretzels.  "Jarvis, are you God?"  
  
"No, I am not."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy develops a daily routine and gets some visitors.

After they get back, life in the mansion falls into a routine.  A really busy routine.  
  
In the morning, Darcy watches _Sesame Street_.  
  
"Elmo's boring."  She says while she pokes at her milk and Cheerios.  "'Big Bird's World' would be better.  Or 'Grover's World.'  Or 'Bert and Ernie's World.'"  
  
Clint looks at her and sighs.  "Man, everything went down the tubes when they took Kermit off the show."  
  
She wrinkles her nose and spoons up some cereal.  "Who's Kermit?"  
  
Clint groans and drops his head on the table.  
  
*  
  
Later in the morning, they usually start getting visitors, like Miss Pepper or Uncle Phil or Grandpa Nick.  
  
Grandpa Nick is a tall, dark man who wears a black eyepatch and never, ever smiles---probably because he never learned how, Darcy decides.  
  
"Hey, what do you think of this?" She hands him her latest drawing of a giraffe, an octopus, and the sun all smiling together.  "It's my masterpiece.  Until I think of a new one.  Like Uncle Tony and his robots."  
  
He stares at for a few moments.  "It's...adequate for your age group."  
  
"Thanks?"  She'd have to ask what 'adequate' meant.  But she has a more important question.  "Um, Grandpa Nick, you're everybody's boss, right?"  
  
"According to the government, yes."  
  
"'Kay.  So can you tell everybody to invite me to their pillow fights?"  
  
Grandpa Nick's good eye blinked.  "Invite you to their what?"  
  
"Pillow fights.  They have them a lot, but not all together.  Clint and Natasha have 'em, Uncle Tony and Uncle Steve have some, 'cept when it's Uncle Steve and Uncle Thor, or all three, but their doors are always locked!  And me and Bruce are the only ones who don't get to go!  And it happens almost _every night_!"  
  
He sits back in his chair and strokes his chin.  "I'll talk to them about this.  Today."  
  
Darcy gives him a thumbs up and turns back to her crayons.  "Cool!  You're awesome, Grandpa Nick!"  
  
"Indeed."  
  
*  
  
But the best is when Mr. Wilson comes to visit.  He always wears a red-and-black suit and mask and he usually breaks a window when he shows up.  Uncle Thor is the only grown-up who likes him because he's funny.  Darcy likes Mr. Wilson because they have tea parties.  
  
"More tea, Princess Helvetica?" he asks, lifting the pink plastic teapot.  
  
"Yes, please, Princess Euphemia," she answers.  He poured the water into her cup.  "How are your cookies?"  
  
"Excellent, dear, never better."  He patted her hand.  "Prince Comic Sans is a much better baker than Weasel or Alex.  Or Bob.  My friends are crappy cooks, come to think of it."  
  
"We can give them his recipes."  
  
Right then, Uncle Thor bounded into the room.  "How goes the party, Darcy?"  
  
"Fantastic!  But Darcy isn't here.  I'm Princess Helvetica."  
  
He bowed his head.  "Of course, Princess.  I am sorry to interrupt, but the other members of this household have decided that it's time for Deadpool---"  
  
"That's Princess Euphemia, dude."  Mr. Wilson took a few more sips of his 'tea.'   
  
"Yes, for Princess Euphemia to leave."  
  
Darcy twisted her face into a pout.  "Why?"  
  
"Because he makes them nervous.  I am very sorry, Princess Euphemia."  
  
Mr. Wilson stood up.  "Nah, it's alright, Prince Comic Sans.  I get it.  I'll see you later, kid."  Then he cartwheeled out the door.  
   
"I love it when he does that," Darcy said.  Uncle Thor nodded.

*

And sometimes at night, she gets a super-secret visitor. He's skinny and black-haired, and he wears lots of green, gold, and black. First, he just appears in her dreams, a background figure in a land of nonsense.  
  
"I want to figure out how to fix all of this, Darcy," he says, ruffling her hair.  
  
"But nothing's broken," she tells him, brushing his hand away.  Then her eyes snap back open and _he's_ in her room.  For real.  
  
Darcy sits up in bed. "Who are you?"  
  
He sits down on the edge of the bed and grins. "I'm your Uncle Loki."  
  
"I don't have one of those."  
  
"Yes, you do." His face looks like Uncle Thor's does when he finds fresh pizza. Or cinnamon Pop-Tarts.  
  
Her stomach squirms. "No, I don't. So go away. Your eyes are weird."  
  
"You used to like them."  
  
"Well, now I don't, so get out of my room!" She slaps her hands on the bed.  
  
Uncle Loki just grins again.   
  
"Fine, I'll leave." She grabs her pillow and runs across the hall to Uncle Thor's room. The door's unlocked for once, so she crawls into his bed, waking him up.  
  
"Darcy, what in Odin's name---"  
  
She pulled his covers over her head. "I think there's a monster in my closet. He's annoying."  
  
"Did you tell him to leave?"  
  
"Yes," she said through the sheets and blanket.  
  
"Did you tell him that he would face my wrath if he remained in your room?"  
  
"Um, maybe?" She pokes her head out of the sheets. "It's just better here with you."  
  
Uncle Thor pulls her in close. "Then you can stay here, I suppose. I shall protect you from any nighttime fiend."  
  
She snuggles up against him. "Thank you. You're the best ever."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy has an adventure at S.H.I.E.L.D. and unwittingly makes an alliance.

But for all the good parts of routine, there's always that one bad, stupid, not-so-fun part.  
  
"You can't go on another mission!  YOU CAN'T!!!" Darcy wails as she clings to Uncle Thor's cape.    
  
"But the world needs us, Darcy," he tells her.  
  
"But I need you MORE!!!"  She curled her fingers around the red fabric.  "And I don't want to go to S.H.I.E.L.D.!  They poke me with needles 'cause they say it's good for me!"  
  
"That was once.  I am sure that they will not subject you to that again."  
  
"And Uncle Phil is _boring_.  I think he thinks I'm crazy."  She dropped her head and shrugged her shoulders up.  
  
"You know he does not think you mad."  Uncle Thor kissed her forehead.  "If you behave appropriately, we shall play whatever game you wish when we return."  
  
"Even Pretty, Pretty Princess?"  
  
"Yes, even that."  
  
"Okay."  Darcy hugged him.  "But North Korea sounds like something that makes you go to the bathroom a lot."  
  
*  
  
They drop her off and Uncle Phil is waiting for her.  He's wearing sunglasses.  He wears sunglasses way too much---Darcy wonders if he's going blind, but she doesn't ask about it because she knows that if he does, he'll have to fill out a lot of paperwork, and it will be all her fault.  
  
He has to do paperwork anyway, so she sits in his office and she reads all her books (okay, she looks at the pictures), and draws in her notebook, and they're still not back.    
  
"They're never coming back ever," she moaned, rubbing her face with her hands.  
  
"That's what you said the last time," Uncle Phil reminds her.  
  
"But this time it's true!"  
  
"Darcy.  That's not rational.  You know that---"  His cell phone rings.  "Coulson.  Yes, I'll be right there, sir.  Just give me one second."  
  
"Duty calls?"  
  
He looks down at her from his desk.  "Yes.  Now, can you be a good girl for me and stay here?  I won't be gone long."  
  
"Mmkay."  Darcy nods.  After Uncle Phil leaves the office, she listens as his footsteps get quieter and farther away.  Then she pokes her head out the door.  Nobody around.  And _somebody_ forgot to lock the door, she guesses.  
  
She tip-toes out the door.  Maybe she fibbed, but now she's not bored, creeping down the hallways and jumping out of everyone's way and hiding behind doors.  
  
She turns a corner about a million hallways away from Uncle Phil's office when she sees Uncle Loki.  He's wearing a horned helmet today, and he looks like a shiny mountain goat.  
  
"Darcy, I have something to show you," he whispers loudly, motioning for her to follow him.  
  
Darcy shakes her head and runs in the opposite direction.

*

Darcy scurries down a few more corridors until she looks up and sees Uncle Loki smiling at her again.  She looks around and runs towards a pair of sliding doors that start opening.  
  
A couple of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents or guards or whatever they were (no one tells her anything) walk through the doors.  Darcy holds her breath.  They don't even look down at her.  But she can feel Uncle Loki still watching her.  
  
She tiptoes through a short corridor into a room with clear walls and lots of white everywhere.  She should have brought her crayons with her.  Then she notices a poofy-haired old man sitting at a table, playing chess with himself.  
  
"Um, hi," she says.  She holds her breath again.  
  
He glares down at her.  "You're lost, aren't you?"  
  
"No, I'm Darcy."    
  
"Well, then, Darcy, you must be very clever to sneak past security."  He sounds like he's never, ever seen a kid before.  
  
"Nope.  Just a good tiptoe-er."  She climbs up on the chair opposite him.  "I'm hiding from my closet monster."  
  
"Really."  
  
"Uh-huh.  He's wearing a mountain-goat helmet."  She picks up one of the chess pieces---the queen.  "Who _are_ you?"  
  
His face turns all...majestic.  Like a king.  "Magneto."  
  
"Magneeeeto," she repeats, rolling the queen in her hand.  "I like it.  It matches your poofy hair."  
  
He raises his eyebrows.  "Thank you."  
  
Darcy puts the queen back on the board.  "So how do you play this game?"  
  
"It is a game of strategy and will.  It divides the weak minds from the strong."  
  
"But how do you _play_ it?"  
  
"Charles, why must you cancel on me?" Magneto mutters as he puts the pieces back in their starting spots.  "First you have the pawns, which can jump two spaces on the first move..."  
  
*  
  
Chess is hard.  And Magneto is _really_ good.  And he really doesn't like _homo sapiens_ , whatever that was.  
  
Darcy has four pieces left on the board: a bishop, a pawn, and her king and queen.  "Magneto, why are you in time out?"  
  
"Because _homo sapiens_ does not understand _homo superior_."  He takes her bishop with a rook.  Those are her two favorite pieces because they get to slide around when they move.  "Check."  
  
"Check what?"  
  
"That means I am in a position to take your king."  
  
"Then I'll just take your rook."  Darcy slides her queen into the rook.  
  
"Checkmate."  He takes her queen with his own.  
  
"...I lose?"  
  
"Sometimes, a loss brings more wisdom than a win."  He looks serene.  
  
Her head droops over the board.  "I don't feel wise."  
  
"The feeling comes in time."  
  
She gets out of your chair.  "Well, it was fun anyway.  See ya later, Magneto."  She waves as she walks back through the sliding doors.  
  
"All my best to you, Darcy," Magneto calls to her before the doors shut.  " _Homo sapiens_ may have hope yet."  
  
As soon as she walks back into the big hallway, Uncle Loki appears in front of her.  How does he _do_ that?  
  
He crouches down to her eye level.  "Did you have fun, Darcy?"  
  
She nods.  "Kind of."  
  
"Good.  Here's what I wanted to show you."  He slips an iPod into her hand.  "It's yours."  
  
"Um, thanks?"  
  
"I only want to help you, Darcy."  Then he just vanishes.  She _has_ to learn how he does that.  
  
As soon as he leaves, Uncle Phil walks up to her.  "You're in big trouble, young lady."  
  
She pouted her lips.  "I'm sorry.  I lost at chess, if that makes you feel better."  Then she smiled.  "But I got an iPod, too!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy deals with lectures, punishment, and exile. Thor and Clint help out.

Everybody is disappointed in her.  Even Uncle Thor.  They hold a family meeting about her adventure at S.H.I.E.L.D.  She's pretty sure Uncle Steve is in charge.  
  
"Darcy, why did you leave Agent Coulson's office?"  
  
"'Cause the door was unlocked and I was _bored_."  She waves her hands around her head.  
  
"Captain Rogers, I can assure you that I locked the door when I left," Uncle Phil says.  
  
"Alright, Coulson."  Uncle Steve smiles a little bit, but his eyes look kind of sad.  "Why did you visit Mr. Lehnsherr?"    
  
"Who's Mr. Lehnsherr?"  
  
"Magneto."   
  
"Oh."  Darcy folded her hands and tried not to think about Uncle Loki and his shiny helmet.  "I don't know.  The doors were open."  
  
"So you didn't know who he was?"  
  
"Um, he's pretty old...And he told me stuff!  Like he doesn't have a wife, but he's got kids named Wanda and Pietro but they're all big now, and his friend Charles was s'posed to play chess with him but he cancelled 'cause he does that sometimes.  They're friends since forever ago and Charles is in a wheelchair and he really loves _homo sapiens_ , but Magneto hates _homo sapiens_ because they're stupid and icky and can't do anything right."  
  
"Darcy, do you know what _homo sapiens_ are?" Bruce asks from the corner.  She's not sure he's ever talked to her before.  
  
"They're a kind of bug?"  
  
"You are _homo sapiens_ , Darcy.  That's the scientific name for human beings."   
  
She doesn't say anything for a minute.  "Oh."  
  
"So you basically tried to befriend a notorious terrorist," Uncle Tony remarks from the back of the room.  
  
Darcy slaps her hands on her cheeks.  "Magneto flies planes into buildings?"  
  
"No, that's only one kind of terrorist," Uncle Steve tells her.  "Magneto is a type of person called a mutant, and some people did bad things to him when he was a little bit older than you because he can move metal with his mind, so now...he's mad at the world."  
  
"Do you really have to defend him?" Tony interjects.  
  
Uncle Steve's mouth shuts and goes all tight before he answers.  "Yes."  
  
Darcy thinks for a moment.  "But he didn't do anything to me."  
  
Uncle Tony rolls his eyes.  "Oh, to be five and adorably harmless."  
  
"Will you give her a break?" Natasha says, whacking Tony on the back of the head.  "She wasn't informed at all.  Did you never get lost anywhere as a child?"  
  
Uncle Tony drummed his fingers together.  "Uh, I got lost at the White House and got into the fine china and I never heard the end of it.  Ever."  
  
Darcy giggles until she looks back at Uncle Steve.  "So am I in trouble forever?"  
  
Uncle Steve sighs.  "No, but you'll have to stay in the mansion for a while."  
  
"Okay."   
  
She really, really hopes the closet monster decides to go on vacation or something.

*

She's stuck in her room forever.  Or maybe a few days.  Or maybe a week.  Or a couple of hours.  She doesn't know and she doesn't ask.  She just lies back on her bed and hums to keep herself from going crazy.  
  
After probably a gazillion hours or minutes or days, Uncle Thor pokes his head through the door.  His eyes glance from side to side---they look super-extra bright blue today.  "Darcy, how do you fare in exile?"  
  
"Um, alright.  I think.  There's nothing to do."  She puts her hands on her face and sighs.  "I'm not even allowed to color."  
  
Uncle Thor sits down on the edge of the bed.  "Well, sometimes it is in exile that we learn the most."  
  
Darcy scowls at him.  "How do you know?  They don't put you in exile ever."  
  
He chuckles.  "You'd be surprised."  
  
"So are you here just to be weird or something?"  
  
"No.  If you sit up, I shall braid your hair for you."  
  
"Yay!"  She grins really big.  
  
Uncle Thor's smile gets smaller and more grown-up-ish.  "But just one small braid, Darcy.  And you must tell no one of this."  
  
Darcy shrugs.  "Okay.  But how am I s'posed to keep it secret if everyone can see it on my head?"  
  
"...I had not considered that."   
  
He gives her the braid anyway---a tiny one that she hide behind her ear.  
  
"Thanks, Uncle Thor!"  She hugs him tight.  "If you ever get tired of saving the world, you should just open up a salon."  
  
*  
  
After another bajillion days/hours/minutes, Clint comes in carrying a laptop and a small brown paper bag.  
  
"Hey kid," he says, "I got a surprise for you."  
  
Darcy leans forward and slaps her hands down on the mattress.  "Like what?"  
  
He pulls out a DVD case.  "Got you _The Empire Strikes Back_."  
  
"What's that mean?"  
  
"It's the next _Star Wars_ movie."  
  
"Oh!"  She giggles.  "That's cool!  I didn't know they made another one."  
  
He opens the laptop and puts the movie in.  "Now, you gotta promise you won't tell Steve or Tony that we watched this, okay?"  
  
"Okay."  She nods quickly.  
  
This movie is different than the first one.  It's darker and meaner and weirder.  
  
"It sucks," she says when the credits roll.  
  
"What are you talking about?  _Empire_ 's the best one!"  
  
"No, it's not!  First Luke got sick in the ice place, then he had to go to the giant swamp, then Darth Vader was his dad, and then Han Solo turned into a big ol' _ice cube_!  And they broke the shiny robot!  And Princess Leia is alone forever!  And Luke only has one hand now!"  
  
"He got a new one."  
  
"It's still a stupid ending.  Why didn't they say, 'And then Darth Vader killed them and ate them for breakfast'?"  
  
"Because it's not over yet."  He pulls out another DVD case.  "Got _Return of the Jedi_ right here."  
  
Darcy claps her hands.  
  
The third one is just better.  Han Solo isn't an ice cube anymore, Princess Leia kills that icky fatso bad guy, and Luke beats Darth Vader in a fight.  And best of all...  
  
"Teddy bears!" she squeals.  "A whole planet full!  Their village looks like _fun_!  We should go there!  Uncle Thor probably knows where it is!"  
  
Clint laughs.  "He probably knows a realm with something like that.  But I got you this anyway."  He reachs into the brown bag again and pulls out a light brown teddy bear.  "Your very own Ewok."  
  
Darcy grabs it and gives it a hug.  "Thank you!  Exile's kind of fun!"  
  
"Good."  Then he takes out a bag of Hershey's Kisses.  "And these are from Natasha.  She wanted to give them to you herself, but she had to go on a solo mission.  The note says, 'This is for dealing with Tony's annoying side so gracefully.'"  Clint smirks after he reads it.  "Dude, she owes us all a few tons of chocolate for that."  
  
"I guess."  Darcy puts her fingers to her lips.  "Sssshhh, the shiny robot's talking now."  
  
*  
  
"So how have you been doing up here, Darcy?" Uncle Steve asks that night when she's all ready for bed.  
  
"Good.  Nothing ever happens."  She does her bed not to smile.  
  
"It's alright.  You'll be able to come back downstairs tomorrow."  He kisses her forehead.  "Everyone misses you."  
  
"I know.  I mean, they do?  Even Uncle Tony?"  
  
Uncle Steve looks to the opposite wall.  "Uh, maybe."  
  
"Okey-dokey.  Goodnight, Uncle Steve."  
  
He switches the light off.  "Goodnight, Darcy."  
  
After he leaves, she takes out her new teddy bear, Clint Solo the Ewok, and tucks him in beside her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deadpool makes pancakes and shares tidbits about a supervillainous plot, Loki overidentifies with _The Lion King_ , and Darcy gets a new babysitter.

The next morning, Darcy shuffles down the stairs quickly and hurries into the kitchen. She sees Mr. Wilson standing at the stove, flipping pancakes (two pans at a time).

"Hey, Princess Helvetica! They let you outta solitary?" he asks.

"Um, yeah." She shrugs and sits down at the counter. "Did you move in?"

One pancake misses the pan, so Mr. Wilson sticks his leg out and catches it, letting it flop on his calf. "Not exactly. I'm here 'cause I got info on a certain mischief god's whereabout and machinations and whatnot."

"You found Oscar the Grouch?"

"No, that was last week." Mr. Wilson slides a plate of pancakes in front of her. "Here you go, Princess H."

"Thanks, Princess Euphemia." Darcy stabs one of the pancakes with her fork. "Is everybody gonna hafta fight Doctor Metalface?"

"Not sure right now, but I need to use that name against him next time he's got me dangling by my ankles."

Darcy giggles, and then she hears someone thudding down the steps. Uncle Steve walks into the kitchen wearing dark blue sweatpants and a white T-shirt. "Darcy, how long have you been up?"

"Like a zillion seconds." She slashes her pancakes with her knife. "Your pajamas are boring."

"Not everybody looks pretty in Disney Princess merchandise," Mr. Wilson remarks as he pours more batter into the pan.

Uncle Steve raises his hands up. "Wade, what are you doing here?"

"Strange things are afoot at the Circle K. Thought you should know."

"Oscar the Grouch and Dr. Metalface are gonna take over the world. And my pancakes are mean!" Darcy drops her knife and fork and folds her arms.

"Here, Darcy, I'll cut those for you," Uncle Steve says. He does really speedy job.

"Thanks! You're awesome, Uncle Steve!"

"Yeah, Uncle Steve, you're awesome!" Mr. Wilson tosses the pancakes and the pans up into the air and catches them.

"Wade." Uncle Steve looks all serious.

"Hey, I meant it!"

*

Everybody has to have a big ol' grown-up meeting.  So Darcy has to sit in the living room and watch _The Lion King_.  It's good and she likes the songs, but there aren't any princesses.  Well, Simba is a prince, but he doesn't wear clothes 'cause he's a lion.  Oh, well, the animal are pretty.  
  
"Enjoying your self, Darcy?"  Uncle Loki sits down next to her on the couch.  He's not wearing his mountain goat helmet.  
  
"What do you want?"  Darcy scoots to the other end of the couch and hugs Clint Solo.  
  
"Just to check up on you.  Where are your friends?"  
  
"Upstairs.  They're having a meeting because a god of mischief tried to break the world."  
  
"Really."  He leans back, looking weirdly calm like he did on his other visits before.  "That sounds interesting."  
  
"Only for grown-ups.  Do you know what mischief is?  They won't tell me."  
  
Uncle Loki moves next to her and leans in really close.  "It's what happened when you went to visit Magneto."  
  
"It's getting put in time out forever?"  
  
He chuckles.  "No.  It's having fun no matter what anyone else thinks.  Everyone else was frightened when you paid him a visit, but you enjoyed it, didn't you?"  
  
"I guess."  
  
"That's all that matters with mischief."  
  
"Mmkay."  She puts her finger to her lips.  "Sssshhh.  I wanna watch the movie now."  
  
They watch the movie together.  It turns out Uncle Loki is weirder than she thought because he really only likes the bad guy.  
  
"Yes, this is good.  Yes.  On top of a cliff.  No witnesses.  He's cleverer than I expected."  
  
Darcy points her finger in his face.  "Scar is a MEANIE-HEAD!  You're not supposed to like him!"  
  
"Says who?  As a younger son, Scar must fight for his place.  Mufasa and Simba have everything handed to them."  
  
Her hands flail and she knocks Clint Solo on his side.  "But now Simba doesn't have a dad anymore!"  
  
"Do _you_ have a father, Darcy?"  
  
Darcy bites her lip and thinks.  "Uncle Thor.  Or maybe Uncle Steve.  Can I have two?"  
  
Uncle Loki laughs again.  
  
"Darcy, who are you talking to down there?"  Uncle Steve calls from the super-special meeting room that she's never allowed to go in.  
  
"Nobody!" she shouts back.   
  
They finish the movie right as everybody goes back into the rest of the house.  
  
"Time for me to go.  This was very nice."  Uncle Loki grins, snaps his fingers, and disappears.  
  
"What do you think about him?" Darcy asks Clint Solo.  The teddy bear's glassy eyes stare up at her.  "You're right.  Total weirdo."

*

Everybody gets into their "let's go save the world" outfits and Uncle Steve picks Darcy up.  
  
"Are you taking me to S.H.I.E.L.D.?" she asks.  
  
"No, Darcy," Uncle Steve tells her firmly.  "After your last visit, they declared you a minor threat to international security."  
  
Mr. Wilson clapped.  
  
"So instead," Uncle Steve continued, "we got you a babysitter."  
  
"Mr. Wilson can watch me!  We can have tea parties!  And play 'Battle of Hogwarts!'"  
  
Uncle Tony looks all grumpy and scowl-y.  "No.  Idiot will burn the house down."  
  
"I resemble that remark!"  Mr. Wilson whacks Uncle Tony on the back of his head.  Uncle Tony's big red robot hand begins to glow, but Thor jerks it down.  
  
Uncle Steve shakes his head.  "No, we need him for this mission.  So we got someone else."  
  
Darcy sighs and lets her head droop.  "I'll be good for Uncle Phil."  
  
"He refused.  So we found somebody else."  
  
Darcy raises her head back up.  "Okay, as long as it's not the closet monster."  
  
Everyone laughs.  
  
*  
  
It wasn't the closet monster.  
  
"I know you, you know," Darcy tells her babysitter.  "Uncle Steve drew a picture of you in his notebook.  I colored your mustache green."  
  
"Really.  That's...interesting."  The man in the bowler hat smiles as she gestures.  
  
"Mm-hmm.  So what do I call you...Mr. Dugan?"  
  
"You can call me Dum Dum, kid."  
  
She gives him a double thumbs-up.  "Okey-dokey."  Then she puts her hands on her hips.  "But if you're boring like Uncle Phil or you get me into trouble like the closet monster, I'll fire you."  
  
Dum Dum saluted her.  "Sir, yes, sir."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy finds out about Uncle Steve's past and the truth about the closet monster finally comes out.

"So, kid, what do you want to do first?" Dum Dum asks her.  
  
"I don't know."  Darcy looks at Clint Solo.  "What do you think, Clint?"  
  
Dum Dum raises his eyebrows.  "You named your teddy bear after Barton?"  
  
Darcy holds her bear up.  "His name is Clint Solo and he's not a teddy bear.  He's an Ewok from the planet Endor and he lives in a tree and he's the best archer in the village."  
  
Dum Dum laughs.  "Nope, doesn't sound like Barton at all."  
  
She puts Clint Solo next to her ear.  "He thinks we should have a tea party."  
  
"Tell the Ewok I don't do tea parties."  
  
"He says you do.  You just don't know it yet."  She smiles really big at Dum Dum.  He smirks.  
  
*  
  
Darcy holds the water-filled, pink plastic teapot out toward him.  "More tea, Prince Franklin Gothic?"  
  
"I cannot believe I'm doing this."  Dum Dum shakes his head slightly, then holds out his cup.  "Sure, kid."  
  
"So, Prince Franklin Gothic, where the heck did Uncle Steve find you?"  
  
Dum Dum takes a sip of his tea.  "I'm the Deputy Director of S.H.I.E.L.D."  
  
"So Grandpa Nick's your boss?"  
  
"I'm below him and above the Captain, which is funny because during the war, _he_ was _my_ boss."  
  
"Really?"  Darcy knocks her cup over.  "Oops.  Good thing we got napkins."  She wipes up the water on the table, and Dum Dum gets the stuff dripping to the floor.  "So how did Uncle Steve get to be your boss?"  
  
"That's a _long_ story, Darcy."  
  
"It's Princess Helvetica.  That's part of the game."  Darcy pouts just a little.  
  
"I apologize, Princess Helvetica.  It all started when I was sitting in a barred cage with the other Howling Commandos..."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"We were the Captain's personal squad.  War buddies.  He never told you about that?"  
  
"Nope.  All I know is he's called Captain America and he wears a star on his chest and he's just really, really nice to everyone."  
  
"Alright then.  He landed on top our cage and we thought he was crazy.  But he got us all the hell outta there, so we had to respect him for that.  And then me and two of the other guys stole a tank."  Dum Dum took a big swig of his pretend-tea this time and got his mustache all wet.  "You know, this stuff is pretty good."  
  
"So you stole a big tank.  You're awesome."  Darcy giggled.  
  
"I'll drink to that."  
  
They _clinked_ their glasses together.

*

After their tea party, Dum Dum shows her some old videos on the place called YouTube.  One of them features Uncle Steve standing in a goofy outfit on a stage with a bunch of ladies in cheerleader outfits singing about "The Star-Spangled Man with the Plan."  Darcy guess that was Uncle Steve.  
  
"Um, his Halloween costume is nice."  She bites her lip and tries to watch.  
  
"Kid, it's okay if you don't like it," Dum Dum tells her, patting her on the back.  "I won't tell him.  But you wanted to know."  
  
"Okay, it's really, really stupid.  But funny.  Even if the song is really..."  She sticks her tongue out.  "Hey!  He can lift a motorcycle with people on it!"  
  
"People more than five times your age have that exact reaction."  
  
Then there were a bunch where Uncle Steve and a bunch of dudes hung around a jeep and drove around what was probably Europe.  
  
"You're there!  Your hat's the same.  What happened to the other guys?"  
  
Dum Dum looked down.  "They're gone now."  
  
"Oh."  
  
*   
  
Then they watch a movie called _Raiders of the Lost Ark_.  It stars Han Solo in a hat.  'Cept everyone calls him Indiana Jones.  He has lots of weird adventures in the jungle and then in the desert.   
  
"So is this what Uncle Steve and everybody does when they go on missions?"  Darcy asks as she watches Han chase a bunch of bad guys who put his girlfriend (not Princess Leia, but close enough), in a basket.  
  
"Sometimes," Dum Dum says, leaning forward.  He looks super-excited.  
  
"'Cept Natasha wouldn't get stuck in a basket 'cause she'd pull the bad guys down with her legs.  Uncle Tony might get stuck."  
  
"You know, I think that happened once.  You'd have to ask him or Steve about it."  
  
She grabs a handful of popcorn.  "Okey-dokey."  
  
By the time they get to the middle of the movie, Darcy notices something.  
  
She points at the screen.  "Hey, Han fights the Nazis, like you and Uncle Steve and the Commandos did!  And Han wears a really cool, brown hat!"   
  
Dum Dum chuckles.  "Yes, he does.  It's a nice coincidence.  And he's Indy here."  
  
"No, he's always Han.  And are you sure?  Maybe they heard about you people and decided to make this or something."  
  
"Maybe, kid.  Maybe."  Dum Dum winks.  "You'd have to ask Steven and George."  
  
*  
  
Then Dum Dum breaks out a deck of cards.  
  
"Now this is my kind of game," he says, fanning Darcy's cards out for her.  "Got any fours?"  
  
"Go fish."  Darcy stares at her cards, but she cann't get a certain image out of her mind.  "The Nazis' heads exploded!  And melted!  All over the place!  Did they always do that?"  
  
"I only heard of one time where it did.  I wasn't there.  Steve was."  
  
"Oh.  Got any sevens?"  
  
Dum Dum hands her the card.   
  
"Got any jacks?"  
  
"Go fish.   How does this compare to chess?"  
  
Darcy shrugs.  "It's easier.  And I didn't know Magneto was a super-duper bad guy who wants to kill everybody who can't move stuff with their brains."  
  
"I didn't mean to bring that up..."  
  
"It's okay.  All the grown-ups wanna know."  She leans forward over the table.  "I told them: I was trying to get away from the closet monster."  
  
"The closet monster?  Got any fives?"  
  
She gives him her five.  "Yeah.  His name is Uncle Loki and he wears lots of green and a mountain goat helmet.  And it's not like people's heads exploded because I went there!"  
  
"That's true...wait, Loki?"  
  
Darcy nods.  
  
Dum Dum slaps his cards down on the table.  "Darcy, why didn't the _hell_ didn't you tell anybody about this?"  
  
"I did.  But everybody knows that closet monsters aren't really _real_.  At least grown-ups thinks so."  
  
He ran his hand down his face.  "Well, kid, your closet monster is pretty damn real."

*

"Darcy, you have to tell.  Steve and the other Avengers, I mean," Dum Dum says, putting his cards down.   
  
Darcy pulled her hair in front of her face and hunched her shoulders.  "I can't tell them!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"'Cause.  They'll put me in exile forever this time!  And we're all out of _Star Wars_ movies!"  
  
"Considering you're only five right now, I think Loki will be in more trouble, bein' a god of mischief and all."  
  
Darcy pushes her hair out of her face.  "Oh, so that's why he talked about liking mischief.  That was today, before you got here.  I think he only visits during the daytime now, which is nicer than in the middle of the night."  
  
Dum Dum's eyes look really wide and he lets his mouth hang open and he looks like a mustachioed goldfish.  "...Kid, you _have_ to tell them.  That's...yikes, Darcy."  
  
"Well, he didn't do anything bad.  He's just a weirdo."  She lowers her head but looks up.  "And I don't wanna disappoint everybody again."  
  
"You won't disappoint them, I promise."  Dum Dum takes his bowler hat off and sets it down in front of her.  "You can wear that when you tell 'em.  It'll help you be extra brave."  
  
Darcy picks it up and holds it close to her face, examining it.  Then she lowers it onto her head.  She sits up straight again.  "Hey, you're right!  Down with the closet monster!"  
  
*  
  
A little while after she gets the hat, she hears the front door slam open.   
  
"Darcy!  We have returned!" Uncle Thor calls out.  
  
Darcy holds the hat down and runs into the foyer.  She smiles really big, but it fades once she sees them.  Everybody looks either really tired or kind of sad.  Mr. Wilson's outfit is ripped in a bunch of places (and his skin looks really bumpy, like he has a rash), Clint and Natasha have scratches on their faces, and Bruce is wearing only really torn up purple pants.  
  
"Hi, people," she says, waving.  They all smile weakly at her.  "What happened to Bruce's clothes?"  
  
Everyone glances at each other like she asked about a broken cookie jar.  
  
"He had an accident," Mr. Wilson says quickly.  
  
"Then why is he still wearing pants?"  
  
"Not _that_ kind of accident.  A different kind.  Accidentally-on-purpose, actually, 'cause he turns---"  
  
"Thank you, Deadpool," Bruce says loudly.  
  
"You guys should probably tell her, or else she going to figure it out---"  
  
"We'll take your judgment into consideration, Wade," Uncle Steve says.  Then he turns to Darcy and picks her up.  "So, Darcy, did you have a nice time?  Where's Dugan?"  
  
"He's around.  We had lots of fun.  But I'm sorry."  She hugs him tight.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"I'm here!  She's fine!" Dum Dum says as he walks in quickly.   Everything's good---just had to clean a mess left over from the tea party."  He winces at the last two words.  
  
"What did she break?" Uncle Tony asks.  The others side-eye him.  "Well, she said she was sorry."  
  
"She didn't break anything Stark," Dum Dum tells him, glaring.  "She didn't go near your gadgets."  
  
"So _that's_ what he's calling them now," Natasha interjects.  
  
Dum Dum looks back at Darcy.  "Have you told them yet?"  
  
"No."  She takes a deep breath.  "Uncle Loki is my closet monster and he was here today and he's been visiting me for a while and he's kind of annoying but sometimes he's nice, and I didn't say anything and I should have told you 'cause it turns out he's the god of mischief who works with Dr. Metalface and I didn't know and now it's probably my fault that everyone's scratched up and Bruce lost his shirt."  
  
Uncle Tony blinks.  "Was someone transcribing that?  I only got about every fifth word."  
  
Darcy ignores him.  "Am I in trouble, Uncle Steve?"  
  
Uncle Steve smiles weakly at her again.  "Not exactly.  Not yet.  I don't know."  
  
"We're gonna have another meeting, aren't we?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Oh, I have _got_ to see this," Mr. Wilson murmurs.

*

This feels different from the last meeting. Instead of frowning a lot, everybody blinks and looks at each other like they lost Myeh-Myeh or the shield or something.

"Darcy, how long has this been going on?" Uncle Steve tries to make his face look calm, but his eyes look too bright and worried.

Darcy sits on her hands. "Um, a while."

"How long is a while?"

"I don't know. How long's it been since I got here?"

"That's not the point right now." He takes a deep breath and glances at Natasha, who nods her head forward. "The point is that if someone like Uncle Loki bothers you, you should tell us. Immediately. Always."

The bowler hat's brim slides down her forehead. "I told Uncle Thor after the first time. I don't think he believed me."

All the grown-ups glare at Uncle Thor.

"I-I-I did not expect...You all know that if I had realized what my brother was doing, I would have taken up arms---any of you would have reacted as I did because---" The room shakes as Uncle Thor begins to bellow.

Darcy leans forward. "Don't blame him! Grown-ups don't believe in closet monsters."

"I do!" Mr. Wilson waves his arms in the air.

Everybody rolls their eyes. "Deadpool."

"What? It's not like this is new territory for Loki. I mean, one time, he totally convinced me he was my dad, which, considering what he's spawned, really isn't that ludicrous when you think about it---"

"Thank for that fascinatingly disturbing tangent, Deadpool," Uncle Tony snaps. "Okay. Darcy. All we need to know is if...how do I word this for a five-year-old...were there any bad touches?"

Uncle Steve cringes. So does Clint, Natasha, and Bruce. Thor hangs his head. Dum Dum takes a deep breath. Mr. Wilson rubs his hands together.

"No. But he has these big eyes," Darcy tells them, widening her eyes and leaning up towards Dum Dum, "and they stare at you like 'I can see the back of your BRAIN!'"

Dum Dum jerks his head back. "Alrighty then. Just like that, huh?"

"Yep. He's okay. He's just weird. Like I get a weird, kinda bad tingly feeling when he's around. And he rooted for Scar when we watched _The Lion King_."

"Ah, the mark of a true villain!" Mr. Wilson exclaims. He jumps up and knocks Uncle Steve's shield onto the ground.

"Uh-huh." Darcy nods, and then looks up at Uncle Steve. "How long is exile this time?"

Uncle Steve glances at everyone else. "No exile this time. This wasn't your fault. But if he comes back, _tell us_."

"You must! So I may give my brother what he deserves!" Thor slams his fists onto his chair.

"Okay." She nods, then slides down in her chair. The bowler hat tips over her eyes.

Everything is quiet for a few minutes. Then she hears Uncle Tony's voice. "So is the after school special over?"

"Think so," Mr. Wilson says. "Who's up for some ice cream therapy?"

"I can't have any," Darcy murmurs. "'Cause I messed up."

Dum Dum tilts the bowler hat back up and smiles at her. "Kid, if you've been putting up with Loki, you could use something nice."

"A great lesson for if any of us becomes an actual parent," Clint says.

Darcy wonders what he means, but she doesn't ask.

*

She doesn't just get a bowl of ice cream. She gets three big scoops (strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate) with chocolate sauce, nuts, and rainbow sprinkles.

"Whoa!" Darcy leans forward and grabs her spoon as Uncle Thor sets the bowl in front of her. "I gotta get more closet monsters."

"This can't be healthy." Dum Dum shakes his head.

Clint shrugs. "I don't think five-year-olds care about calories."

"No, I mean the tactics of this---" he began, but Clint elbowed him in the ribs.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say this was done out of guilt," Mr. Wilson says, leaning against the kitchen counter.

Darcy pauses before taking her first bite. "Guilt?"

"Don't listen to him," Clint tells her. "He's delusional."

She swallows a big, sprinkly chunk. It's way too sweet, like eating too much candy at once, but she keeps eating. Everybody wants her to.

"How is it?" Bruce, now wearing a shirt, asks.

"Goog," she answers mid-bite. "I gog a kestion." She swallows hard, and the syrup slides and squirms down her throat. "Is Uncle Loki really Uncle Thor's brother?"

"Yes, Darcy," Uncle Thor says, looking a little worried. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, if you'd told me that, I'd know not to be scared. Or annoyed." She swallows again. The sweetness isn't so bad now.

"Uh, you see, that would..." Uncle Thor glances up at the ceiling, then the floor, then everybody else.

"Thor and Loki don't really get along," Natasha remarks.

"Why?" Darcy slides her tongue along the spoon.

"It's...it's very complicated."

"So you'll tell me when I'm older?"

Natasha sighs. "Yes."

"You know, I have a theory," Deadpool interjects, "and it's _not_ bunnies. Maybe Loki wasn't trying to hurt her. Or whatever. Maybe he was trying to help. You know, in his own creeptastic way."

Darcy looks up and sees everyone roll their eyes.

Uncle Tony runs his hand down his face. "You take insane to a whole new level, Wilson."

"Just think about it."

She doesn't know about the grown-ups, but Darcy certainly dwells on it as she slogs through the rest of the ice cream.

*

Later that night, Uncle Loki sits at the foot of Darcy's bed, his lamplike green eyes boring into her skull.

He looks like he's waiting for something. "So are you going to tell them?"

"Maybe." She pulls the covers closer to her.

He leans forward. "Before you do, I think you should know something. Something they don't want to tell you."

"What?"

He smiles, but he looks a little sad, too. "You used to be big. A grown-up. Like them, but younger. We were very good friends, you and I." He drags his index finger down her cheek.

"You're a liar." She jerks her head back and curls her legs up. "I want you to go away."

"Alright. But how do you know they always tell the truth?"

"Because they're my friends and they make sure nothing happens to me."

"Really. They can't make you big again, though. I can. Wouldn't you like that, Darcy? No more bedtimes or exile to your room when you get in trouble. So much freedom." His grin spreads across his whole face and his eyes light up.

Darcy slams her hands down on the mattress. "Well, you can't do that right now! It's the middle of the night. So please go away."

"You're right. I'll let you think on it, then. Pleasant dreams."

And the foot of her bed was empty again.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy begins to figure out how to deal with Uncle Loki, with Natasha's and Deadpool's help. Then she receives a gift.

Darcy sits in her bed and wiggles her toes, waiting to make sure Uncle Loki doesn't come back. After a few minutes, she grabs Clint Solo the Ewok, flips the covers back, hops down, and rushes across the hall to Uncle Thor's room. She knocks on the door and steps back, ready for it to open. But she hears a thud and a couple of grunts instead. Darcy knows those noises---pillow fight noises. She tiptoes down the hall, towards the stairs. Uncle Steve's door is open and his room is empty, and so is Uncle Tony's. She decides that must be one heck of a pillow fight. She tries Clint's door, but it's locked, and she stays away from Bruce's door because she doesn't want to make it explode in the middle of the night. By then, she's near the top of the stairs, and she can hear voices. She clutches Clint Solo tightly and creeps down the stairs, trying not to make them creak. She can see Natasha talking to Mr. Wilson, who's propped his feet up on the kitchen table.

"Wilson, why the hell are you still here?" Natasha folds her arms.

Mr. Wilson smiles and starts eating Cheez-Its. "Because you people have not compensated me for my services."

"You came to us for help."

"No, that was a helpful tip. I charge for those. I accept all forms of payment except Stark Platinum."

Natasha slams her hand down on the table (Darcy jumps). "Get out, Wilson."

"Look, don't get huffy with me because you can't sleep." Mr. Wilson tosses two more Cheez-Its up in the air. They fall on the floor (and Darcy bit her lip, trying not to giggle). "I'd be happy to share the couch with you."

Natasha slaps his feet off the table.

Mr. Wilson holds his hands up. "Whoa, okay, you've made your point! But, you know, you and I were married for three years in an alternate universe."

"You were?" Darcy blurts out. She holds her breath and covers her mouth.

"Darcy? What are you doing up?" Natasha asks, leaning to see into the dark hallway.

Darcy uncovers her mouth. "Uncle Loki came back. And he said I used to be big and that you guys lie a lot." She bites her lip again. "Maybe I wasn't s'posed to tell you that part."

Natasha leans onto the table and buries her hands in her hair. "No, you did the right thing. I'm not sure we can do anything about it at this hour."

Mr. Wilson grins at Natasha, then over at Darcy. "Oh, I think we can."

*

Natasha looks down at her teacup and blinks.  A lot.  "Why are we doing this?"  
  
"Because tea parties are fun!" Darcy and Mr. Wilson say at the same time.  
  
"At two-thirty in the morning?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Now, Princess Helvetica," Mr. Wilson begins as he pours Darcy's tea, "could you recount tonight's events for me and Princess Verdana?"  
  
"Sure, Princess Euphemia.  Tonight, Prince---"  
  
"Mistral."  
  
"Yeah, Prince Mistral appeared in my room, stared at me like he does---"  Darcy leans forward and tries to make her eyes look as big as she can.  "And he said that I used to big, like a grown-up, and he could make me big again.  Was I big?  Before the blue light?"  
  
"Yes.  Yes, you were, Darcy."  Natasha purses her lips together and looks super-serious.  
  
"It's Princess Helvetica," Mr. Wilson says.  
  
"I don't care."  
  
"You have to play by the rules, or else there is no game."  
  
"It's okay."  Darcy looks down and runs her hand along Clint Solo's fur.  "I'm not sure if I wanna be big.  I like it here.  But I know I drive you guys crazy sometimes."  
  
"That's not true," Natasha interjects.  
  
"Yeah, it is, and you people wouldn't have to worry about me.  Or help me with stuff.  But being grown-up looks hard."  
  
"It _is_ hard," Mr. Wilson agrees.  "That's why I live like a manchild."  
  
"So should I say yes?"  
  
The whole kitchen falls silent for a few moments.  They hear another _thud_ from upstairs.  
  
"I don't know," Natasha answered.  She tapped her fingers on the table and sighed.  "What do you think, Wilson?"  
  
Mr. Wilson looked at the ceiling.  "I think they're de-stressing up there."  
  
"Pillow fight," Darcy told them.  
  
"Right.  Anyhoo, you got quite the Faustian bargain there, Princess Helvetica."  
  
"The what?"  
  
Mr. Wilson puts his hands behind his head.  "Faust was a dude in a story and he made a deal with the devil to get everything he ever wanted, and then he went to hell 'cause these things always have a catch.  And I know a guy who really did sell his _marriage_ to the---"  
  
"We get it, Wilson---Princess Euphemia, or whatever," Natasha tells him.  
  
"So why didn't he offer the devil a deal?  One where he doesn't get punished?" Darcy asks.  
  
Mr. Wilson shrugs.  "That's not how it works."  
  
"But it _could_.  All he had to do is try.  Isn't that strategy?  Or something?"  
  
Natasha glances at Mr. Wilson.  "You know, she has a point.  It's crazy, but it could work."

*

They come up with a plan.  Mostly, it's Darcy's idea, but Natasha helps out.  Mr. Wilson tries to help, but Natasha keeps saying no.  Darcy thinks his idea for a shark pit is interesting and kind of funny, but scary.    
  
"I just wanna talk, 'kay?  It's the only thing I'm good at," Darcy tells him.  "Or maybe we should play chess or 'Go Fish'?"  
  
"Talking sounds reasonable.  As a start," Natasha remarks.  "But if things get ugly, you have to let the grown-ups take over, okay?"  
  
Darcy nods.    
  
"Alright, now everyone needs to go to bed."    
  
"Okay, but can I say goodnight to Mr. Wilson first?"  Darcy juts her bottom lip out.  
  
"Yes, but come straight upstairs after your done."  Natasha gives her a stiff hug and then glares at Mr. Wilson.  "And _you_ will get out of here."  
  
Deadpool salutes her lazily.  "Yes, ma'am."  
  
After Natasha leaves, Mr. Wilson's rash-y mouth smiles.   
  
"So, Princess Helvetica, are you tired?" he asks.  
  
"Not anymore."  Darcy tries not rub her eyes.  
  
Mr. Wilson leans down and whispers loudly.  "You know what that means: movie time!"  
  
"It does?"  
  
"Hells yeah.  Best insomnia cure ever."  
  
*  
  
Mr. Wilson picks a movie with lots of explosions because he says that it will exhaust their brains so they'll have to go to bed when it's done.  Darcy isn't sure that's true, but she thinks she likes it, even though she has to look away when people get shot or stabbed or lose hands.  Which is a lot.  But she watches when the bad guy that Mr. Wilson calls "Stone Cold" gets set on fire because he totally deserves it.  
  
"This is the weirdest movie ever," Darcy says as she curls into a ball.  "Do you ever go to jungles and kill bad guys?"  
  
"All the time," Mr. Wilson answers.  "One South American dictator thought that I was such a worthy opponent that he invited me to his wedding.  It didn't end well."  
  
"Oh.  Is this what Uncle Steve and Uncle Thor and Natasha and everbody does when they get called on missions?"  
  
"Kind of.  Except they have rules, and these guys don't."  
  
"Except 'don't hang pirates.'"  
  
"Yeah, that."  Mr. Wilson curls up next to her.  "Hey, look, He-Man isn't dead after all."  
  
"Yay!"  Darcy claps.  She likes He-Man---he's like a slightly scary version of Uncle Thor.  
  
"Because just this once, Darcy, _everybody lives_."  Mr. Wilson hugs her.  
  
"Yes!  Except the Stormtrooper-ish dudes who can't shoot and that Stone Cold Creamery guy."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
It turns out Mr. Wilson _was_ right: Darcy falls asleep during the credits.

*

When she wakes up, Mr. Wilson is still asleep and Grandpa Nick stands above her, staring.  Uncle Phil and Dum Dum are there, too, but all Darcy can really think about is Grandpa Nick's eyepatch.  
  
"Good morning, people," she says, yawning.  
  
"Why aren't you in your room?" Grandpa Nick's voice makes her shiver.  "And why is Wilson here?"  
  
"He wouldn't leave because he wants money, and then I couldn't sleep, so we watched _The Suspendables_."  
  
"You mean _The **Ex** pendables_?" Dum Dum asks.  
  
"Yeah, that."  
  
"His judgment's as good as it ever was," Uncle Phil mutters.  
  
"Water wing propellers.  It's the only thing..." Mr. Wilson mumbles in his sleep.  
  
"I don't know, Coulson," Dum Dum says, chuckling.  "What did you think, Darcy?"  
  
"It was weird and awesome."  She sits up.  "So why are you people here?"  
  
"You received a package," Grandpa Nick begins, "and we at S.H.I.E.L.D. took it upon ourselves to check its safety."  He nods and Uncle Phil hands her a large silver box.  
  
Darcy opens the box and pulls out a red helmet with purple trim and odd little horns on its widow's peak.  She jams it on her head and it slips down over her eyes.  "Cool!"    
  
"It came with a note," she hears Dum Dum say.  "'To Darcy: I bequeath this to you in the event that you are in fact a latent member of _homo superior_.  May it serve you as well as it served me.  Your ally, Magneto.  P.S. Best of luck with your closet monster."  
  
Then she hears Grandpa Nick's voice.  "This came into our hands several days ago, but we kept it to run tests to make sure it wasn't booby-trapped or in any way harmful to you.  Do you understand that?"  
  
Darcy pushes the helmet back.  "Uh-huh."  
  
Mr. Wilson starts to mumble again.  "Donald, are you and Goofy really engaging in..."  
  
"Now someone wake him up," Grandpa Nick commands.  Then he strides out of the room.  
  
While Uncle Phil and Dum Dum argue about who should poke Mr. Wilson, Darcy takes the helmet off and holds it close to her face, looking at her red-and-purple reflection.  It's as shiny as Uncle Loki's, if not as big.  
  
She puts it on again.  She's ready.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy makes peace with Uncle Tony and finds out why Bruce is the way he is.

Breakfast is normal after Grandpa Nick and Uncle Phil and Dum Dum leave. Darcy and Mr. Wilson eat leftover pancakes (that are still tasty, if a bit rubbery) and watch Sesame Street, and Mr. Wilson goes on a ten minute-long rant about Cookie Monster.

"Look, I get that they're worried about childhood obesity and all that serious shit, but it's Cookie Monster! Binge-eating is his thing!!!" Mr. Wilson stabs the table with his fork. "Why would they just do away with that?!"

Darcy shrugs. "I don't know. Grown-ups are weird."

"You're right. You know, I wish I had your precocious wisdom. But then the audience would have no comic relief. And alas, dear Darcy, it is time for me to leave." He turns and grabs her hand like he was a Disney Prince or something. Darcy giggles. "I must depart because there are many mercenary-ish things to be done, but also because I'm the mentor, and in every single story ever, the mentor has to either leave or die, and I've got only one option since I'm immortal."

Darcy put her helmet back on and stares up at him. "Okay."

"Just remember---you now have the strength to fight this battle, and no matter what decision you make, it's yours and yours alone, so choose wisely. May the Force be with you by the power of Greyskull." Mr. Wilson pauses and tilts his head up. He starts talking to the ceiling. "Okay, folks, was that Obi-Wan-ish enough for you? 'Cause I can totally pull out some Centauri from The Last Starfighter stuff if necessary."

"Um, it was good," Darcy tells him.

"Alright-y. I'll see you on the flipside." He gives her a big hug and cartwheels out of the room. "And don't trust vegan Cookie Monster!"

"I won't."

"Yet another reason the future is doomed." Uncle Tony sits down in Mr. Wilson's seat and steals one of Darcy's pancake slivers. "Where the hell did you get that helmet, kid?"

"Grandpa Nick stopped by and gave it to me." Darcy spears a few more slivers with her fork so he won't steal them. "Oh, and I have to tell Uncle Steve that Uncle Loki came by and told me that I used to be big."

Uncle Tony scowled. "Well, shit."

"It's okay. Me and Natasha and Mr. Wilson have a plan for when he shows up again. We gotta make sure he won't turn me into a frog or a ferret, and Natasha said that S.H.I.E.L.D. is trying to fix me but they don't know how to do it yet. So I'm gonna negotiate, I think."

"Well, you're just on top of it all, aren't you?" He looks surprised and a little confused.

"Uh-huh. Don't worry, I'll be big again soon, and you won't have to hate me anymore."

Uncle Tony looks really surprised now. "I don't hate you, kid."

"But you make fun of me and you're kind of mean and sarcastic---"

"I'm like that with everyone."

Darcy scrunches her shoulders up and holds her hands out. "Oh. I thought I did something wrong."

Uncle Tony leans down so he's nearly at eye level with her. "Look. My parent-related experiences weren't very good when I was a kid, and I have no idea what I'm doing. None of us do, but I won't bullshit you about it."

Darcy thinks about that for a few moments. "So it's not my fault? It's just your weird problems."

He sighed. "Yes, Darcy. I'm just screwed up."

"Mmkay."

Then there's a gigantic CRASH that shakes the whole mansion, followed by a bunching CLOMPing. The CLOMPS stop in the backyard and they both hurry over the window.

Darcy stands on her tiptoes and peeks out the window. "Hey, that giant green monster from the news moved into our backyard!"

"Just stay back, kid," Uncle Tony tells him.

Then the gigantic green monster reaches through the window and scoops Darcy up.

"AAAAAIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!"

*

Darcy only screams once, right when the monster grabs her.  After that, she's too busy kicking and pounding the enormous green fist to try and shriek.  But she talks to the monster.  She decides it's good practice for when Uncle Loki comes back.  
  
"What do you want?" she asks, smacking the thumb again.  "Do you wanna eat me?"  
  
The creature points to himself with his other hand as he _CLOMPS_ down the road.  "HULK FRIEND."   
  
Darcy stops pounding and tilts her head sideways.  "You just wanna be friends?"  
  
The Hulk nods.  He pats her helmet with his giant index finger.  
  
"So why did you take me away?"  
  
"HULK KEEP DARCY SAFE.  HULK MAKE BATTLE PLAN FOR DARCY."  He smiles.  His teeth are _huge_ , but they're not pointy like she expected---they look like really big human teeth.  
  
She shakes her head.  "No, I don't need that.  I'm going to try diplomacy."  
  
"THAT DON'T ALWAYS WORK.  HULK KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE."  
  
"I'm not big enough to fight."  
  
The Hulk stops and sits down crossed-legged on the side of the road and sets her on his shoulder.  "HULK FIGHT FOR DARCY.  IT CALLED CHIVALRY."  
  
"Chi-val-reeee.  I like that word.  But I want to do this myself."  She stands up on his shoulder and wobbles.  "What _was_ your battle plan?"  
  
The Hulk grunts and claps his hands together, acting like he's squashed a bug.   
  
Darcy takes a deep breath.  "Oh.  Well, I don't want to hurt anybody.  I just want to stay out of everybody's hair.  Thank you anyway."  
  
"ANYTIME."  
  
She sits back down.  "So do you have a name?"  
  
"HULK."  
  
"That's not a name, that's a word."  She pauses.  "How about Alejandro?"  
  
"HMMM..."  
  
She grins up at him.  "I like it.  It's the name of a song that Uncle Thor sings to himself when no one's looking."  
  
"HULK LIKE IT, BUT HULK STILL HULK."  
  
"Okey-dokey, Alejandro.  Could you take me back home?"  
  
"HULK THINK SO."  He stands up again and heads back towards the mansion with Darcy clinging to his neck.  
  
Halfway back, Uncle Tony circles above them in his robot suit.  "How about an escort back to the house?"  
  
"Okay."  She shrugs.  She's not afraid of the Hulk anymore.  
  
"Just so you know, everybody's freaking out."  
  
*  
  
When they get back, everybody's standing outside in their save-the-world outfits.  The right side of the house has a humongous hole in it.  
  
Darcy waves at them.  "I'm okay.  This is Alejandro the Hulk and I think he wants to be my pet.  He's a smart pet monster---he likes thinking and battle plans and chivalry, I think."  
  
"You named him Alejandro?" Clint asks.  His eyes look like they might pop out of his head.  
  
"Uh-huh.  It's a nice name.  And he doesn't have one---he's just called Hulk."  
  
Uncle Steve steps forward.  "Well, Darcy, he technically already has a name.  His name is Bruce."  
  
Darcy scowls and puts her hands on her hips.  "You mean that's why Bruce lost his shirt?"  
  
The Hulk growls.  
  
"Yes," Uncle Steve says.  
  
"Why didn't you just tell me that?  And all the stuff about me being big before the blue light?"  
  
"Because we made a mistake."  
  
"Yes, you did."  
  
The Hulk put her down on the ground and Uncle Steve picked her up.  
  
"But just so you know, whatever happens with Loki, we'll be looking out for you."  Uncle Steve pats her on the back.  "Nice helmet, by the way."  
  
"Thanks.  Can I be an Avenger now?"  
  
"No!" everybody interjected.  
  
She giggled.  "Just wondering."


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy passes the time until she can make a deal with Uncle Loki.

Darcy hopes Uncle Loki will show up the next day so she can get the whole darn thing over with, but she's stuck playing games with Dum Dum while all the grown-ups go on a mission.  
  
"Why did everyone go off to Can't-Do-Here?" Darcy asked, resting her face on her left fist and putting a second red dot on her upper Battleship grid.  "D-4."  
  
"Another hit.  And it's Qandahar.  Things...things were 'going down' as they say," Dum Dum tells her.  "H-7."  
  
"Miss.  Maybe Uncle Loki went to Can't-Do-Here, too.  E-4."  
  
"Hit.  Hopefully.  As long as he's not near you, kid.  F-10."  
  
"Miss."  She bites her lip.  "F-4."  
  
"And...you sunk my aircraft carrier."  
  
She smiles and pressed the fifth dot onto her top grid.  "Cool."  She looks up and sees Dum Dum looking confused.  "What's wrong?"  
  
"No offense, kid, but...I'm losing a strategy game to a five-year-old."  
  
"That's okay.  So is Uncle Loki.  I hope."  
  
*  
  
He doesn't show up the day after than, either.  So now she has to watch a movie with Clint and Uncle Thor.  It's really, really pretty, but really, _really_ **long**.  These nine people just wander around in the woods for three hours trying to get rid of a ring, and they never even get to place where they're supposed to burn it!   
  
Darcy curls into a ball on the leather couch and scowls.  "This is stupid.  Even worse than _The Empire Strikes Back_.  Nobody got stuck in the woods in that one.  And why is the Ring even bad?  It's really pretty and has lots of loopy lettering on it and it doesn't even _do_ anything!  People just wear it on a chain and bad stuff happens.  And is that person with arrows a guy or a girl?"  
  
"He's a guy," Clint says quickly.  "Most definitely a guy.  No arguing---he's a dude."  
  
Thor laughs.  "Don't mind him, Darcy.  He believes himself to be Legolas, the Elven archer, on occasion."  
  
Clint glares at Thor.  "Yeah, and we've never seen you drunk on Asgardian mead, blubbering about being Isildur's heir and how his weakness runs in your veins, and then scouring the damn house for the shards of Narsil or whatever they're called."  
  
" _I_ haven't seen that," Darcy says, sitting back up.  
  
"And for good reason," Uncle Thor remarks, hoisting her onto his lap.  He tucks some stray hair behind her ear.  "Was it truly so terrible, Darcy?"  
  
Darcy thinks.  "I don't know.  There was just so much walking!  They should've borrowed Alejandro."  
  
"We are not calling him that!" Clint interjects.  
  
"But I liked the little Hobbit people---the guys with the hairy feet.  But I didn't like how they got in trouble and had to go away when they didn't even do anything wrong, except steal veggies.  They just got picked and it's not fair."  
  
"I suppose not," Uncle Thor agrees.  "But as the Lady Galadriel says, even the smallest person can change the course of the future."  
  
"I guess."  Darcy folds her arms.  She really doesn't want to be that person.

*

On the third day, she's lying on her bed with her sketchbook and crayons, Clint Solo the Ewok standing guard by her side.  She's drawing everyone as that Fellowship thingy from that movie: she's one of the Hobbits who gets dragged away by the monsters and Mr. Wilson is the other one; Uncle Steve and Uncle Tony are the Hobbits with the Ring; Clint is Legolas, the archer guy/girl; Grandpa Nick is the old wizard guy; Dum Dum is the dwarf guy; and Uncle Thor is the not-king-yet guy.  She's trying to decide who should be the sneaky guy who's kind of bad but not and then gets shot with arrows.  After a few moments, Darcy begins to draw gold horns and green eyes when she hears the door _click_ open.  
  
Uncle Thor sits down beside her and starts playing with her hair.  But he doesn't braid it---he just twists it and lets go and sweeps it to one side.  "What's that, Darcy?"  
  
"A picture."  She holds it up so he can see.  
  
He twists a piece of her hair around his index finger.  "How nice."  
  
"You're the not-king guy.  And sorry, but your annoying brother is the sneaky guy."  She takes the forest green crayon and makes lines that will be his outfit.  
  
"Don't be sorry.  He'd be flattered just to be included."  He gathers her hair together and splits it into three sections to make one big braid.  
  
"Yeah.  I'm still waiting for him to come back."  
  
He pulls her hair so tight it almost hurts.  "Why?  I thought you hated him."  
  
"I don't hate him.  He's just creepy.  I just want to get the offer thingy over with."  Darcy squirms as he pulls her hair.  Then she turns back and stares straight into his blue eyes.  "Uncle Thor's a much better braider, Uncle Loki."  
  
His face twists with surprise, and then Uncle Thor's face blinks away, so it's just Uncle Loki sitting there in full armor, but no helmet.  "What ruined it?"  
  
She turns back to her drawing.  "They told me you change shapes a lot.  And you're just bad at braiding."  
  
"So what do you think of my offer?"  
  
"Me and my attorney here---" She points to Clint Solo.  "We talked about it, and we got a deal for you: six months."  
  
He raises his eyebrows.  "Pardon?"  
  
She turns around and sits up with her legs sticking out.  "S.H.I.E.L.D. is trying to fix me, too.  At the end of six months, if they can change me back, I pick them.  If they don't, I pick you."  
  
"...Why?"  
  
"'Cause I don't wanna be a frog or a ferret."  
  
He bobs his head to the side.  "Understandable."  
  
"That's your deal if you choose to accept it.  Or it's gonna self-destruct in five seconds."  
  
"Wilson told you to say that part, didn't he?"  
  
"Maybe."  
  
He takes a deep breath and his eyes get super-big like he's thinking really hard.  "I accept.  You're only delaying the inevitable, but it is quite enjoyable to watch those S.H.I.E.L.D. idiots scamper around failing right and left.  You'll see me again when six months have elapsed."  
  
"Okey-dokey."  She'll have to ask what "elapsed" means.  
  
And then Uncle Loki vanishing with one final, creepy girl.  
  
Darcy looked around and waited for him to come back.  But he didn't.  So she hugged Clint Solo as tightly as she could.  
  
"Darcy, is everything alright up there?" Natasha called from downstairs.  
  
"Perfect!"  Darcy fell backward onto her mattress and smiled as big as she could.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The six months are up. Little Darcy says her goodbyes and faces the magic.

Six months pass, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly. Sometimes bad stuff happens, like when the Hulk disappears for a week and won't tell Darcy (or anyone) where he went, or when she loses Clint Solo on the way to Disney World. And sometimes good stuff happens, like when they find Clint Solo on the way back home from Disney World or when everyone goes on The Today Show and Darcy gets to wave on TV from behind the gray metal bars with Dum Dum and Uncle Phil. Crazy stuff happens, too, like when Mr. Wilson tries to assassinate a man named Albert Pujols in the middle of a baseball game on TV and nobody will tell Darcy what "assassinate" means while they cover her eyes, and Mr. Wilson gets banned from the state of California (but he gets a lot of free dinners in Missouri).

But now it's over.

Darcy puts on her red-and-purple helmet and flops face-down onto her bed. She starts thinking about how she could stay little forever when she hears banging on her window. She props herself up and sees the Hulk smiling on the other side of the window pane.

His smile fades a bit. "WHAT WRONG WITH DARCY?"

Darcy lets her head droop, making the helmet slide over her eyes. "I have to be big again tomorrow."

"HULK UNDERSTAND.  HULK HAVE TO GROW SMALL AND BIG."

"That's different. You'll be Bruce again in, like, three hours. I'm gonna be big forever."

"DARCY ONLY CHANGE ONCE.  BRUCE CHANGE INTO HULK ALL THE TIME---SMALL, BIG, SMALL, BIG!  YOU THINK HULK LIKE THAT?" he snarls.

"No, I know you don't like it. But I like you, Alejandro. I just don't know what'll happen."

"BEING BIG JUST THE NEXT BIG ADVENTURE."

Darcy shakes her head. "No, that's death---that's what that Harry Potter book says."

The Hulk shrugs. "SAME DIFFERENCE."

She sighs. "Maybe."

*

That night, _everyone_ tucks her into bed.  They rotate in and out, and Darcy isn't sure if each of them knows that the others already did it.  
  
Clint sits down first with a chapter book.  
  
"Don't ask me where I found this book, but the little girl in it reminds me of you.  It's called _Ramona and Her Mother_."  Clint opens the book to the middle and starts reading about Ramona is mad at the world, so she squeezes a big tube of toothpaste into the sink and then she feels a lot better.  Darcy likes that idea.  
  
"Why didn't you read to me before?"  
  
"Because I'm an idiot."  He hugs her tightly.  "Okay, you gotta be tough tomorrow, like Ramona.  Can you do that?"  
  
"Yeah."  She gives him a thumbs up.  
  
"Good."  Clint kisses her on the head and leaves.  
  
Uncle Thor comes in next and re-reads the scene where Harry Potter gets his wand because he knows that's her favorite part.  When he reads, it's more like a play than a book.  Then Natasha reads more about Ramona and how she falls through an attic floor.  Darcy wonders why Natasha and Clint want her to be like Ramona when she does all of this weird stuff in these books.  Then Uncle Steve reads her a picture book called _The Little House_ about a smiling, creepy-faced, little country house who wants to live in the city, lives in the city and hates it, and moves back to the country.  Darcy likes the story, but she can tell Uncle Steve likes it a lot more because he looks like he's ready to cry at the end (the good kind of crying).  They all give her hugs and kisses and tell her told be strong and brave, like Clint did.  
  
Uncle Tony goes last.  He puts on his reading glasses, and Darcy giggles because they make him look kind of old.  
  
"Alright, let's do this thing." he begins.  "Tonight's selection is _In the Night Kitchen_ , by Maurice Sendak."  
  
"Jarvis already read me that one."  
  
"He's the one who told me you like it."  He lets his reading glasses sit halfway down his nose.  "Did you ever hear of Mickey..."  
  
He's a much better reader than J.A.R.V.I.S.---his voice is way more exciting and kind of funny.  "And the moral of the story is: if you ever hear a noise in the middle of the night, don't get up to investigate it because you _will_ end up naked in a giant milk bottle."  
  
"And covered in cake dough," Darcy adds.  
  
"That, too."  Uncle Tony looks nervous, and he mumbles something quickly.  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
He smirks like something hurts.  "We'll miss you.  I'll miss you."  
  
"I'll miss you, too."  
  
"We'll still see you at S.H.I.E.L.D., but you won't be..."  
  
"Little."  She sits up and hugs him.  "It's okay.  If I turn into a frog or a ferret or a hamster, you guys can keep me as a pet."  
  
He pulls back and raises his eyebrows.  "Isn't that what we already do?"  
  
"I guess.  The Avengers don't have a super-dog, you have a Super-Darcy!" She waves her arms around.  
  
"Yes, we do.  But now Super-Darcy has to go to bed."  
  
"Okay."  She lies back down and pulls the covers up to her chin.  "You're pretty cool."  
  
He stands up and flips the light switch.  "You know what?  You're pretty cool, too."  
  
"I know."  She turns on her side and drifts off to sleep.

*

In the morning, she's all ready to go, with her helmet and Clint Solo by her side.  But Uncle Loki doesn't show up until the afternoon.  When he does, she's finishing her Fellowship of the Avengers picture, coloring in everyone's cloaks.  
  
"Well, that turned out quite nicely," he says, sitting down on the bed and peering over her shoulder.  
  
"Yup."  She turns around to face him and puts her helmet on.  
  
"Ah, I see you're all prepared."  He grins in his creepy way, and his eyes look paler than ever.  
  
"Uh-huh."  She looks back at her picture.  She tears it out of her sketchbook and holds it out toward Uncle Loki.  "Hey, you want this?"  
  
"Why would I want that?"  
  
"You're in it."  She points out his spot in the picture.  
  
His face looks pinched.  "You made me...one of _them_."  
  
"Yeah.  It's what you want, right?"  
  
He snatches the picture out of her hand.  "Are we going to do this, Darcy?"  
  
"Yep.  I'm all ready."  
  
"Good.  Say hello to your new---or old, rather, existence."  He holds his right hand out and the blue light from the first explosion swirls around her.  
  
The blue light is _everywhere_ : on top of her, around her, even inside her.  Darcy can feel the light begin to grow...


	12. Epilogue

Darcy glares at the board.  She can do this.  She can.  She spies her move and slides her clear glass rook into the frosty king.  "Check and mate, dude."  
  
Magneto's face freezes in a look of quiet surprise.  "How...how in hell did I lose?"  
  
"You usually forget about the corners.  We can't all be knights and bishops."  She grins and bobs her head in celebration.  
  
"Well, Darcy, I must say that you are a most apt pupil, especially considering your species."  His mouth twists into a small smile.  
  
Darcy stands up and pushes her chair in.  "Yeah, sorry I couldn't be some sort of malleable mutant successor or whatever you were hoping for.  But this was fun.  Same time next week?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Alright.  See ya, Mags."  She waits for the sliding door to _beep_ and open.  
  
"Are you ever giving that helmet back?" Magneto calls after her.  
  
"Hell no.  That thing is costume-party chic."  Darcy waves goodbye and then walks through the three layers of doors.  She grabs her large purse from the super-secure lockbox/basket right outside the last layer of door and checks her phone for updates.  "Yeesh, Coulson could just hire someone solely to file his paperwork."  
  
"Busy day?" Loki's voice asks coolly behind her.  
  
"Yep," she says casually, still looking at her phone.  "Gotta go file Coulson's Mount Everest of paperwork, then Jane has a couple of errands, and at some point, I have to go sink Dum Dum's battleship.  That came out wrong."  
  
"Really."  He slides his arm around her waist.  "Because I was hoping that you and I could---"  
  
"No."  She pushes his arm away.  "Maybe once upon a time, but not now.  Not ever."  
  
He casts his pale eyes down at the floor.  "I had assumed---"  
  
"That I'd date you after you turned me into a preschooler and stalked me at night?  Sorry, but your spell didn't reset my brain."  She shoves her phone back into her purse.  "Thanks, but no thanks.  I'm totally open to Halo tournaments and stuff with you, though.  Just not...sorry, but ew."  
  
"I believe I understand."  
  
"Good."  She turns around and heads down the hallway.  When she turns a corner, she peeks into her purse and pats Clint Solo on the head.  "Hey, if I ever try to date another bad boy in leather and metal armor, you'll stop me, right?"  
  
Clint Solo's glassy stare seems to indicate a 'yes.'  
  
"Awesome."  She zips her purse shut and walks through the rest of the corridor, smiling to herself.


End file.
